Do we really know each other?

11/21/2017

If we believe others know who we really are, we are totally wrong. Others only know the impressions we make on them. To make matters more complicated, those impressions are formed in one’s own frame of mind based on one’s own perspectives and perceptions.

Just for the record, an impression is an idea, feeling, or opinion about something or someone. It is instinctively formed without conscious thought.

Test this fact by doing anything you want. Then ask ten people to describe the impression you have made on them. You will be surprised to see a variety of impressions of yourself ranging from very negative to very positive.

Reviewing the impressions I have made throughout my life

When reviewing my life, the many favourable and unfavourable impressions I have made on others line up like a battalion of soldiers ready to march all over me. Inspecting them one after the other, I can hardly recognise my true self. Therefore, assessing myself through the eyes of others is the most successful way to send my True-Self to the bottom of our depression well where she feels unloved and misunderstood while my Self-Image copes with reality as if nothing is wrong.

What saddens me the most about the impressions I have made since the beginning of my life, and still make, is that they last forever regardless of the fact that I am growing into a less ignorant and selfish person all the time.

A positive impression one happens to make on a person who already have a negative impression of you seem to be in vain, as if negative impressions form a dense filter in a person’s mind. Of course, this forming of filters is another natural protection mechanism. Trying to survive while every Dick, Tom, and Harry steals our peace and joy is, after all, a tiresome and sickening business that shortens our time on this beautiful earth.

Don’t worry about the opinions of others!

This is advice given to us by people who want to see us happy and contented. Yet, our urge to survive compels us to acknowledge and value the opinions of others. We cannot afford to make negative impressions on the person who pays our salary, or on those who give us the love and security we need.

In order to be happy, we have to make everybody around us happy. This is a daily challenge in the life of every human being. (Take note, Mr. Terrorist: Happiness built on the unhappiness of others never lasts!)

We do not do what we think we do

Telling ourselves (and others) that we are living according to specific rules is often just a showy misrepresentation intended to conceal our true nature. We see it daily: People telling us that they are Christians, but they don’t act like Christians. They think and believe they are Christians, but they don't love their fellow-man and they don't pray for their enemies.

When my friend Svetlana Ivanova reminded us the other day that people don’t do what they think they do I was in fact busy telling myself that I don’t care about the negative impressions I have left in the minds of others. Bygones are bygones. What people think of me is their problem.

I was lying! Of course, I care. I actually care a lot.

Why?

Our urge to survive forbids us to make enemies. The more we are liked and loved the better are our chances to survive. (The fact that we do have enemies is a subject for another day.)

People-pleasers like me hate being a disappointment, not to talk about being the cause of annoyance. We love to love and love to be loved.

By telling myself that I don’t care about people who have negative impressions of me is an instinctive effort to ease my fear of rejection.

How to come to terms with those negative impressions we have made and still make

It is essential to accept the fact that no one – not even God – can please everybody all the time. While we think we are doing the right thing by being our true honest self, and/or by living according to the Golden Rule, we will never meet everybody’s expectations.

No matter how good or bad we are, there will always be three kinds of people in our life –

1.     Those who like/love us just the way we are;
2.     Those who can’t stand us;
3.     Those who have no interest in our comings and goings.

Until next week,
Martie

ShoutOuts

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23 Comments

Kimmie

11/21/2017 10:20:46 pm

Oh Martie! The title caught me right away! I have been horrible to keep up with my friends blog post and I am so sorry!

I think our personas do change as the seasons change. So does our feelings towards others and life. Basic principals may remain but we are never seen exactly the same by others as time passes by nor do we see others the same. We all evolve. When that change happens it is like the earth that also never remains the exact way after a storm. Some dirt is washed away with the rain, rocks are moved further down a river bed, and trees and flowers die! Some come back more beautiful and stronger and some never come back again. I was reading some scripture this morning about King Solomon. He had it all and I am sure appeared many different ways to others. He was a King and I am sure was met with mich opposition . He had done it all! In the end all that mattered was his love for God and serving others! Everything else was futile. No matter who he thought he was or thought he needed or how he was perceived... in the end...people all took their last breath and life was ended the same way. Expectations in life, towards others, and directed at our selves will always be met with negativity at times but I feel we have to let those exspectations go, live life as if it our last day, and love God above all else. As King Solomon said many ions ago...there is nothing new under the sun❤️ But may I add...our perceptions change, evolve, and have since the beginning of time. Big hugs Martie! Great post!

Martie link

11/22/2017 12:03:30 am

Dear Kimmie,

I love your comment, and especially your metaphor - the ever-changing landscapes on earth due to the acts of seasons and elements. The chapter by King Solomon of "There is nothing new under the sun" is one of my favorites. Amazing that we still muse about the same issues that inspired him and so many others to write! But then, every individual has only 70 years (if they are lucky) to find the sense in life and death.

You are so right - and the end of the day nothing really matters except one's relationship with God regardless of one's religion and faith.

Hugs to you, dear Kim!

Angelia S. Phillips link

11/21/2017 10:43:50 pm

Martie,

Fun and interesting!!!

I can't even begin to guesstimate the magnitude of failures I've accumulated in pleasing people, myself and God.

On the bright side, there is nearly always opportunity for repentance, growth and determination to make future encounters better with others when needed and possible.

Thankfully, grace has the last word. 💖

Martie link

11/22/2017 12:14:12 am

Dear Angelia,

Thank heavens for those opportunities. But I remember grabbing them often in vain. Some people had made up their mind; nothing you do can change the negative impression they have of you. I know someone who can't stand me just because I remind him of his ex-wife. Some you win, some you lose.

My mother's advice to me when I was an insecure teenager still counts: "Just be yourself!" (And accept the fact that some people may not like you....)

Hugs to you, dear Angelia.

Angelia S. Phillips link

11/22/2017 05:28:28 am

Martie,

Amen on win some/lose some and your mama's advice. 💖👍

William Holland link

11/22/2017 04:54:47 pm

Great topic for sure. I am slowly allowing others to know more of me. For decades I gave others just enough to accept me, but that was probably only 5% of the real me. I'm a work in progress, my friend.

Martie link

11/22/2017 07:42:39 pm

Dear William,

We are all works in progress. We learn and grow until the day we die, unless we stagnate at the age of 17, which, sadly, happens to many people. Bill, we have seen each other grow a lot, haven't we?

Maria link

11/22/2017 05:17:53 pm

Dear Martie,

A thought-provoking and relatable post for sure...

My comfort level and trust has everything to do with the extent of my self-revelation to others - both face to face and virtually.

I have been successful in 'rising above' those who make false assumptions about who I am / how I feel about them / an issue.
I continue to work on my initial reactions...which I choose not to divulge here (but YOU know good and well my reactions tend to be R-rated...!)

Love you and sending big hugs to SA to you today, mar

Martie link

11/22/2017 07:52:51 pm

Dear Mar,

We learn early in life how to conduct ourselves in the presence of others. The fact that we don't show all of us to everybody was perfectly proven by my own children. They did, and told me, exactly what they knew I would like to see and hear - the rest of themselves was shown to their friends.

Thanks for trusting me, dear Mar. Believe me, you are adorable even when you are disgusted about something/someone.

Hugs,

Martie

Mike

11/22/2017 08:54:35 pm

As always, I am late or that is the impression I give. Great subject and well presented. I am sure I missed a couple of your posts, and will work to catch up soon.

Martie link

11/23/2017 05:36:13 pm

Hi Mike

I always appreciate your comments even when they are late. Look at the list on the right just to make sure you haven't missed a post you shouldn't have missed :)

I haven't seen a notification of a hub posted by you for quite a while. I better go check your profile. I hate missing the posts of my friends!

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

Rasma Raisters link

11/23/2017 05:14:41 pm

My biggest chance to present myself is coming up. Busy to finally put together and self-publish by e-book of poems. I will be using Create Space but I am far from my goal yet. I am still unsure but hopeful. Do you think I can really bring this to a happy ending?

Martie link

11/23/2017 05:46:04 pm

Rasma,

Of course you can! I look forward to read your e-book. I hope it will also be available in Kindle-format. Ridiculous postal fees and taxes keep me from buying stuff in other countries. I hate the way our government forces us to do shopping only within our borders.

I also wish you luck for the marketing of your book. This is the most challenging task in the world of writers.

Take care, dear Rasma!

Nell Rose link

11/25/2017 04:42:10 pm

Hi Martie, reading this made me remember how people see me. when I was at work, I used to joke around in the tea break, and in the evenings I used to get up to all sorts of stuff which made them laugh. 20 years on, I am not the same person really anymore, I don't go out and date so much etc. but when I bump into someone from that time they still see my like that. they don't see the older one.

In fact the other day a guy said, great party last night, and winked! I didn't go to the party! lol! he must have thought I was there! funny how people see us.

Martie link

11/25/2017 06:31:30 pm

Dear Nell,

There was a time when I would not miss a party. For the past ten years plus I rather lie than attending one.

I am not at all the person I was five years ago, and five years ago I was no longer the person I was ten years ago. And so forth. My basic characteristics may still be the same, but I no longer apply what I have applied before. I have actually changed to such an extent that I sometimes don't even recognize myself.

I think we should simply accept the fact that everybody and everything are changing from day to day, season to season, phase to phase, and stop clinging to impressions we have gathered in the past.

Take care, dear Nell ♥

Ruth Cox link

11/25/2017 08:47:19 pm

No, I do not think we ever really know each other, completely, no matter how close we are to the person. As much as I think I am always "just me" I know that I always hold back parts of me. And yes, a lot of that holding back depends upon who I am with at a given moment.

Do I care what others think of me? Yes, I do, and always will. This gives me the opportunity to change for the better--even if it does not change another's impression of me.

As for the Christians who we may think are not behaving as Christians... I feel that just because I am a Christian does not make me perfect. I will never be perfect. But again, I can strive to improve...as a Christian and as a person.

Martie link

11/25/2017 11:28:04 pm

Dear Ruth,

Yes, being a Christian doesn't make one perfect. Even Paul admitted that he continues to obey his 'flesh' instead of his spirit. However, some Christians don't even try to follow the example that was set by Christ; they simply cling to scriptures that justify their wrongdoings. Fortunately, they can be identified quite easily - like pimples on a healthy skin.

Thank you so much for reading and commenting :)

Nellieanna Hay link

11/25/2017 09:55:10 pm

Dearest, dearest CD. I understand this and yes, I've felt that way at times, but as I assess those times, it was when I was among people who were intellectually, emotionally and spiritually enemies. So why hang on to those opinions of me? By the time I fully realized it, my connections with people who were compatriots, real friends and family were somewhat more distant, due to the time spent in the other camp. So I realized that one person who was always there with me was myself and I liked me!

Of course, there were still as many years as before left to live among others, but somehow there were no real animosities with them, even if they might have liked to cultivate some! It just doesn't matter what "they" do, say or think, I KNOW who I am and that is it. It helps if one takes good care of one's mind and body, too, of course. No one else will.

Just read a couple of really good pieces about how successful people manage toxic people and stay calm. Would it be OK to post a link here? If not, please delete it. I love you, gal! It's an excellent article you've written here. Your courage and honesty always shine through so brightly. Hugs ~ Nellieanna

http://www3.forbes.com/leadership/how-successful-people-handle-toxic-people/14/

Martie link

11/26/2017 12:01:54 am

My dearest CM,

As always, every word in your comment resonates with my own convictions. Only now and then, when memories elicit negative emotions like embarrassment and regret, my dumb ego gets to its feet and shouts, 'Fight, flee, fall!" Nowadays it takes only a minute for me to realize that I was indeed among people who were intellectually, emotionally and spiritually enemies. In some cases I was even the one who had turned them into enemies. But I no longer allow myself to ponder unpleasant memories. Simply acknowledge them, then focus on the present and grab the nearest opportunity to enrich my mind and soul," is a personal command I have learned to obey.

Take care, my dearest CM ♥♥♥♥♥

Rolly A. Chabot link

12/2/2017 03:17:18 am

Hi Martie...

Great read and soul searching as you have placed something into the forefront which seems to so very important today. We all like to hear kind words over something we have done. I always say if everyone was just perfect what on earth would the world be like today. Soul searching is a great way for us to reflect on just who we are.
I once listened to a speaker who had each person think of themselves at their own funeral, looking from above it all and watching and listening. Interesting look deep within... Well written my fiend.

Hugs from Canada

Martie

1/2/2018 03:13:10 am

Dear Rolly, too many people are not able to do proper soul searching; they keep thinking they are perfect, or useless. Although people will always cherish their own perspectives and perceptions, we should continue to improve ourselves. Soul searching is like working in a garden. Feed and trim the flowers, and get rid of the weed. May this new year meet all your expectations.

Peg link

12/5/2017 08:44:31 pm

This post really explains much about our self image. How true that some people form an instant opinion about us, sometimes before we even have a chance to make an impression.
I remember working a flight from Hawaii to Detroit with a travel group whose vacation was over. That in itself sometimes puts people into a bad mood.
One woman came up to me in the galley after we were about three hours into the flight and told me something I'll never forget. She said, "When I first saw you, I thought you were a B*tch." I had not spoken even one word to her, not that I ignored her. We just hadn't met on a personal level with over 128 people on board. Later, she told me that I wasn't what she'd originally thought and said it like it was a compliment. Wow.That stunned me.
Anyhow, I think you're terrific and feel as if I have gotten to know you through our common experiences, your writing and your kind remarks in comments. I can appreciate what you said about never being able to please everyone. Hugs.

Martie

1/2/2018 03:59:59 am

Hi Peg, I am so sorry you and Rolly had to wait so long for a response. Sometimes notifications hide themselves in my inbox.

Thanks for sharing a perfect example of forming a negative perception. It is too easy to form an opinion of someone by believing our bias perceptions. So, let me rather not file that woman in the nearest trash folder. As you've said, she could have been tired and grumpy.

Have you noticed how many people give compliments that are in fact insults? And they don't even realise what they're doing.

Another fact we have to keep in mind - The more we see of the good in ourselves in another person, the more we like that person, and the more we see of the bad, including latent and undeveloped bad, the less we like that person.

May 2018 be one of your best years, dear Peg :)

Ps, I will soon catch up with reading and commenting.