Martie's Foyer
  • Home
    • Related Links
  • The Shoppe
    • Art
    • Books
    • General
  • The Sherry Fountain (Blog)
    • Blog Archives
  • Contact me
  • My Articles
  • My Poems
  • My Short Stories
  • Trend of events in SA
  • South Africa - photo tours
  • Course for Short Story Writing
  • The Boardroom
  • Coetzer and Coetser families, SA
  • Kaleshaan deur PJ Coetser
  • My Book Store

Why does parting hurt so much?

8/29/2017

14 Comments

 
Goodbye, so long, farewell, adieu, au revoir, auf wiedersehen, totsiens, arrivederci, tata, cheers, toodle-pip...
 
Whatever word used, parting company from a person we love, like, or simply know, is normally accompanied by pain ranging  from mild  to extreme.
 
Of course, parting doesn't have to be painful, and is sometimes partnered with relief when we know we are going to see the person again. Intense pain comes with the realization that we will never see the person again. Sometimes the pain of parting may be accompanied by fear – when we don’t know if there will be a next meeting, or what a next meeting will be like.


Picture
Photo by starnlyi at pixabay.com

The easiest way to understand pain caused by parting​

When we observe a baby’s response when taken from their mother, the baby is experiencing a tremendous fear of  never seeing their mother again.  A fear of loss, which goes hand in hand with a fear of the unknown, automatically triggers pain, and pain elicits tears until we learn how to bottle them up.   

We are all born with the fear of loss and the unknown.

We are also born with the knowledge that our survival depends on our mother, or whoever feeds us. As we grow, we learn that the love and attention we receive from the person who feeds our body simultaneously provides love for our soul. As we mature, we trust more and more people and establish the support system we need in order to survive.

We will notice that the intensity of the pain we feel depends on how much we rely physically and/or emotionally on the person we are parting with.   

Conclusion​

In order to handle any pain, it is important to know where it comes from. When we acknowledge the source, we empower our urge to survive. 
 
This urge, firmly embedded in what we like to call our gut feeling, may tell us: “Don’t be silly! You can live without seeing or hearing from X!”
 
Or it may say, “Yes, your support system needs serious repairs! Let's start working!”
 
Of course, the wise will repair their support system by strengthening their own independence instead of relying on others.   

Quotes About Parting

“Ariel: "Why can't people part on more amiable terms?"
Danny: "Human nature. When feelings change and a person is at their most insecure, it's a matter of personal survival, I think. ― Judith-Victoria Douglas, Ariel's Cottage
 
“To say goodbye is to die a little.” ― Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye
 
“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” ― Kahlil Gibran
 
“Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.” ― George Eliot
 
“I don't know how you say good-bye to whom and what you love. I don't know a painless way to do it…” ― Laura Wiess, How It Ends

“Death and parting are the same.” ― Abbas ibn al-Ahnaf, Birds Through a Ceiling of Alabaster: Three Abbasid Poets

Until next week,
​Martie.

ShoutOuts 

By flashpress: Miso-a-new-fav-food-via-ebay​

By marcoujor: Introducing-author-rolly-a-chabot

By warnerwords: Powdery-mildew-what-to-do

​
14 Comments
Paula link
8/30/2017 11:37:03 am

Martie......Such moving and profound words....I am in awe. Loss and it's accompanying grief can be so much more than merely a part of us. In my own life, grief has become me. It is so embedded in my being as to define me. I learned so very long ago to abandon the struggle, for what IS, can never truly be ignored.
Your wisdom is rich and while my mind does understand, the very core of my being, has been crushed beyond recognition. Somehow, the phantom of acceptance is the only thing left.
Your wisdom is your gift. May you continue to touch all those around you. Keep your dreams alive, my dear friend. Peace & hugs, Paula

Reply
Martie link
8/30/2017 07:00:48 pm

Hi Paula!

Yes, to know something doesn't mean you can do it. We automatically respond emotionally to our urges - by indulging in anger, sadness, or whatever emotion elicited by the impulse. To put our knowledge into action takes a lot of self-motivation and self-control. We also need the support of others.

Hugs to you, dear Paula :)

Reply
Maria link
8/31/2017 02:55:56 am

Dear Martie,

This issue is truly a universal one - although the human response to loss can be so very different.

For me, it's sadder to lose someone who is still alive - estrangement for a variety of reasons ranging from insult (perceived or real) to apathy.

I hang onto my faith and hopes that I will reunite again with those beloved family and friends (and pets) who have died.

Love you lots and don't plan to go anywhere any time soon, mar

Reply
Martie link
8/31/2017 10:11:04 pm

Dearest Mar,

Personally I have developed a fear of parting, and therefore I am reluctant to allow others in my personal zone. Even when I see an adorable kitten or puppy, the symptoms of an anxiety attack send me running for the hills. My fear of losing someone/something I love has grown stronger than my need to love and be loved.

Yet, I am not a hermit. I just maintain a save distance as far as possible. However, you have found a way through all my barriers right into my intimate zone where I think aloud and spit and polish the skeletons in my closet. Parting from you will be extremely painful. I am so glad you're not going anywhere soon.

Hugs galore,

Martie

Reply
Angelia Phillips link
8/31/2017 04:25:22 am

Martie,

This resonates. I've never been keen on long separations from the folks I love to spend time with. When those times come, I spend a great deal of time in prayer for Christ's presence to sooth my hurt, which has been my greatest help.

Even so, I do miss the ones I love but the pain of the separation is greatly lessened.

Beautiful post. 💖

Reply
Martie link
8/31/2017 10:24:23 pm

Dear Angelia,

Blessed are those who mourn, because God comforts them. He is indeed a source of great strength... for those who want to use it.

Hugs,

Martie

Reply
Rasma Raisters link
8/31/2017 09:05:20 am

Many interesting points here Martie. I feel the strength must come from within a person and to keep strongly and firmly to the belief of meeting again. In fact I have already experienced a graphic dream which I was even able to write down to detail. I had an experience of traveling up and finding him and he was more handsome than ever, still much in love and we held hands. Some interesting truths or beliefs from the experience there were others and there were animals. I was told that since I was still a living person I could visit and I would see thinks differently from what those up there saw. I also remember going up to see him once more after the first time and saw that it was raining. I asked how could it be that it was raining up there and I was told that was an entirely different reality. How's that for a real adventure?

Reply
Martie link
8/31/2017 10:43:53 pm

Dear Rasma,

My thoughts are 24/7 with you since you've lost your handsome sweetheart. You surely had some interesting dreams. I had the same kind of dream about my father after he had passed away in 1989. I 'saw' him on the moon, or some similar planet. Their was absolutely NOTHING and nobody in sight. He was wearing a white coat, like those of doctors and people working in a laboratory, and he was busy gathering monsters of dust and stones. He was too busy to notice me. But I realized that he was happy, doing something important. How do you like that for a 'comforting' dream?

Hugs to you, dear Rasma!

Reply
Mike
9/1/2017 12:47:50 am

Hello Martie - What a deep pool you dive into trying to realize depths of such emotional feelings.I find the comments here as deeply felt as the work itself. I have spent years thinking about grief, and am no closer today than when I started.

Reply
Martie link
9/3/2017 07:31:30 pm

Hi Mike,

I am not sure if I should call my urge to know the cause and origin of everything a blessing or a curse. I may be spending too much time searching for answers, while the roses wilt.

But yes, I do believe that our fear of losing whoever and whatever support us in our efforts to survive - preferably comfortable and loved - is the cause of the pain (almost like an emotional amputation) we feel when parting from our beloveds, friends, and precious belongings.

Or what else? I don't have a degree in Psychology and Human Behavior, so, I'm ever so eager to hear a better explanation.

Best wishes to you, dear Mike!

Reply
Rolly A. Chabot link
9/1/2017 11:30:39 am

Hi Martie...

Wise words as always, over the many years and places I have seen and lived I have come to the conclusion nothing comes by chance. Those casual meetings or the long term friendships all mean something to us. As I have aged I have watched this past 5 years people passing far before their time, many are loved ones and dear friends.
Parting and separation both come with a price and we are left feeling empty and alone. People occupy as much space in our lives as we allow. When they are gone we are left with an empty void.
I recently lost a wonderful friend, a long term friendship we both invested in.
I truly do miss him and yet I am overjoyed with the understanding the many he blessed over the years.
Well written Martie, this isn something I was suppose to read today.

Hugs from Canada

Reply
Martie link
9/3/2017 07:44:37 pm

Hi Rolly,

I am so sorry this post has made you hurt all over again about the loss of your friend. Whether we want to admit it or not, we do need friends. Some people only need more than others. Every person with whom we have some or another relationship has their own space in our heart (support system). Some can be easily replaced, but oh, those like your friend... even when we find a replacement, memories of them fill most of the hole they have left to swing our emotions and determine our decisions and actions. Take care, dear Rolly!

Reply
Barbara Jones
9/6/2017 07:12:09 pm

What a phenomenal list of literary references you have provided! The one that touched me most was The Long Goodbye. I read it decades ago. When we need to say goodbye it can be over a prolonged period of time as in a chronic illness. However, at times there is no time to say goodbye. This is a wrenching experience characterized by frequent reliving of the event and the lack of time to tell the individual how much you have meant to him/her. I often drive down highway 55 which takes you to the Vineland area of New Jersey. I too often see graves with crosses and flowers alongside the busy roadway. I never fail to say a prayer just to let the deceased know that he/she is not forgotten.

Reply
Martie link
9/6/2017 08:26:43 pm

Hi, Barbara

Welcome in my corner!

Significant time for saying goodbuy, or no time?

Personally, I would prefer leaving this world without saying goodbye to anyone, because I find the pain of parting unbearable. My father left like this. Suddenly and unexpectedly two and a half months before his 54th birthday. I would have 'died' saying a final farewell to him while he was still alive. Yes, I would have loved telling him that I love him, and there was something I needed to know, but not being able to do so was far more bearable than it would have been otherwise.

When pondering a final goodbye to my children and grandchildren, I also know I would rather bear the shock of seeing them suddenly gone, than seeing them going through the process of departing.

Of course, this is all about personal preference. I know many who doesn't share mine.

Take care, Barbara!

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Subscribe to Martie's Sherry Fountain

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    ​Blogger
    Martie Coetser

    Want to give MartieCoetser's a tip of $1 or more? 
    1.Click on the  PayPal-button,
    2. Select the 'friends' or 'family' option,
    3. Issue/Send to mpmartie967@gmail.com 
    Picture
    Thank you!
    MartieCoetser is a proud member of the Virtual Busker Guild. Read more about this guild HERE...

    Virtual Busker Guild

    More About MartieCoetser

    Archives

    * Cape Town's-water-crisis-the-reality-of-climate-change-in-a-nutshell

    * The-powerful-leverage-of-the-minority

    * Addictive-hobbies

    * Do-we-really-know-each-other
     
    * Why-do-we-celebrate-birthdays

    * Do-we-really-know-each-other?

    * Ego-self-image-true-self-who-is-in-charge

    * Let-your-hair-down-in-dikhololo-game-reserve-south-africa

    ​* Infatuation - going-on-a-trip-with-natural-chemicals

    * Identify different kinds of love

    * Afrikaans-idioms-versus-English-equivalents-Letter-A

    * The-truth-is-only-an-interpretation

    * Rudeness-the-weak-mans-imitation-of-strength

    * Coping-with-reality

    * Why-does-parting-hurt-so-much
    ​
    * When-you-are-unqualified-but-compelled-to-perform

    * What-is-the-purpose-of-art

    * Distinguishing-between-being-lazy-and-being-smart

    * Why-keep-friends-after-they-have-moved-on

    *  May-anyone-complain-while-war-rages-in-syria
    ​

    * The-most-amazing-story-missing-relative-ferreted-out-after-31-years

    See more posts in my BLOG ARCHIVE




    ​
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.