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Courting disaster with a con artist:  A true story

10/12/2014

16 Comments

 

It all started on New Years Eve, 2009....


After an exceptionally demanding year at work, I was suffering burnout  in all its facets. But knowing the disastrous consequences of staring at the ceiling and contemplating one’s circumstances, I forced myself to my computer with the intention of finding a website which could enable me to wish my relatives and friends a happy New Year via bulk short messages. At that stage I was still a novice on the Internet.

I ended up on a site that allows people to post their creative writings. (It had been six years since I had last written something creative!) Knowing that a new challenge would speed up my recovery, I wrote an essay, and for the first time in my second language, English: “Alone On A New  Year’s Eve”. (My children were away on holiday and not feeling well, I had refused all invitations to traditional gatherings. So, I was alone, but not lonesome.) 

The next morning....

The next morning I found to my surprise a comment on my post -
“Lady, you are never alone! God is always with you!” 
Now what more could I have wished to hear in my condition?

The giver of the comment happened to be a popular online gospel preacher. His writings was quite impressive, and his avatar – a man dressed in a suit - reminded me of my father. So I thought maybe the time had come for me to become more ‘godly’.

Picture
Image: Stuart Miles @ freedigitalpictures.com

To make a long story short - 

Three months later this gospel preacher arrived in South Africa to start a ‘Church of Christ’ with my help. (Yes, I have indeed all the skills and chutzpah in the world to make dreams like this come true.) 


I even sponsored this punk’s flight ticket, assured by him that I would get every cent back as soon as he received one or the other expected remuneration in his capacity as an American veteran.    

The moment I saw him at the airport, I thought he looked like a glorified tramp. (Of course, he had sent me only his best pictures, and video calls were against his Christian principles.)

Within three days I realized he was addicted to tranquillizers and alcohol. His behaviour, under the influence, was such a shocking eye-opener I had to hide him from my relatives and friends by telling them he was sick. He actually assured me that he was indeed seriously ill and need to recover before we could start working on his mission.  

A week later I realized he had a mental disorder, and I dug out all my guides to psychology. And there he was, a sociopath, clearly diagnosable and boots and all in my personal zone. 





If you want to know more about this kind of character disorder, click on the link (or on the picture on the right) and read my article -



http://martiecoetser.hubpages.com/hub/Con-artists-sociopaths-troubled-with-Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder
Picture
Image: audfriday13 @ freedigitalphotos.net

At last rid of him....

It took 53 days and enough money for a tour of Europe to get him out of my life. Dumped at the airport, and even with the cell phone and money he had stolen from me, he had no choice but to get his sorry ass on a plane back to the States - where he would no doubt continue to con people in his search of free food and lodging.     

Recovering -


Recovering from an experience like this was not easy. I not only lost an enormous amount of money, but also trust in myself and my ability to distinguish between truth and lies. My biggest loss was my best friend, who had warned me from the start against this man. Regaining confidence in myself and in others took me more than a year, and I believe it would have taken me even longer if I had not met a friend who literally proved to me that all men were not con artists. 



Nevertheless, now, four years later, I am still extremely suspicious and not willing to allow any stranger without clear credentials in my personal life. I will, for sure, never be conned again.

A few lasting memories -

Heavy under the influence of drugs and alcohol this con man could deliver a breath-taking sermon with the steady voice of a typical charismatic preacher.  While preaching (proving to me that he was truly a gospel preacher) his voice, vocabulary and face were that of another man.  

While socializing his entire face kept on changing, as if he were hosting seven different people taking turns in showing their faces.

He could swing my moods in a second from hysterical laughter to intense sadness, extreme anger, or the deepest  empathy. To my surprise he made me feel emotional extremes I had never experienced before.

As a typical sociopath trying to get as much support as possible, he tried convincing my daughter and sister via emails that I was not the person they thought I was, but a devil in disguise. Fortunately they believed in me, and together we worked to get the true devil out of my life .

Looking back....

Looking back, I treasure the knowledge and wisdom I have obtained during my personal ordeal with a true con-artist/sociopath. 


I also learned a particularly valuable life lesson - 

 

Right in the beginning of our interactions online, the so-called preacher demonstrated responses typical of a sociopathic personality disorder. In a state of confusion I actually told him that he reminded me of a ‘mental case’. Of course, he was like a chameleon, changing his colours according to my expectations. But this, my mere suspicion that he could be a mental case, was the red flag that I deliberately ignored.

Today I accept and respect my gut feeling more than ever before. I realize that my analytical and skeptical mind with all its knowledge and experience, and my heart with all its dreams and desires, both have the potential to lead me into trouble.

Advice - 


So what would I say today to myself and others? 



Only the following: We are all born with a gut feeling, a sixth sense, an instinctive ability to sense danger – call it whatever you want. Respecting and appreciating this sense just as much as all our other senses, is vital in keeping free from the claws of deceitful people and their cons.

A final note to myself and others: Obey your gut feeling! 
16 Comments
femmeflashpoint
10/12/2014 11:42:06 am

Yikes, Martie!

I'm so happy you made it through your encounter with him and lived to tell about it too! What a terrible thing to go through and I'm so sorry you were put through such an ordeal.

Also, very glad you wrote about it. This article is of great benefit to others, especially those who are in a vulnerable emotional state.

femme

Reply
Martie link
10/12/2014 06:37:27 pm

Femme, reviewing my life, I realise how lucky I am, gaining experience beyond the ordinary without losing my life. The fact that he was not aggressive, but like an innocent, but spoiled child with no comprehension of any evil in him, still arouses my empathy. Thanks for your comment, dear femme :)

Reply
kimmie
10/12/2014 12:00:31 pm

Martie this truly could have ended so badly and I am so thankful you are safe. We all can easily be sucked into a situation for those of us who have been vurnerable or have a good heart. Thank you for sharing your story and a great lesson we all need to listen too. Love and hugs. Xo

Reply
Martie link
10/12/2014 06:50:16 pm

Kimmie, my poor daughter had the most horrifying nightmares. In one of them she found me in the freezer, etc.etc.

This was an embarrassing experience. Keeping it forever private, or at least between the lines of relevant articles and fiction, was actually my intention. But here it is now - on request of one of our local journalists. Hopefully it will prevent a disaster or two.

Reply
Shauna L Bowling link
10/12/2014 01:08:54 pm

Wow, Martie. That's scary stuff! I'm thankful you got out of that situation alive. Thank God you were able to get him to the airport and out of your life! It's bad enough he stole from you and tried to turn your family against you, but what he did to your psyche and trust is unforgivable.

Did you report him to the authorities? Where did he come from?

Oh, my goodness. If I were there right now, I'd give you the biggest bear hug I could.

Thank you for sharing this and making us aware of this type of con.

Reply
Martie link
10/12/2014 07:05:46 pm

Shauna, typical sociopath he had tried to deprive me of my self-confidence by telling me (with the Bible under his arm) that I was NOTHING, and not (yet) good enough for God and Heaven. According to him a 'godly' woman was supposed to be completely submissive - and the devil would get her if she hides alcohol and drugs from the man that was sent to her by God himself.

Go figure!

You know I am a fighter and sure about my convictions and abilities, and there I was completely hypnotized and confused.

This blog of mine - with some 'letters to Angela' (but in fact to myself) will give you half an idea how confused I was.

http://martiecoetser.blogspot.com/

Reply
Maria Jordan link
10/12/2014 04:37:03 pm

Dear Martie,

Thank you for sharing such a personal story in an empowering and honorable manner.

You have taught us all so much from the valuable lessons you learned. You have also reminded us that we are stronger than we realize...

I am both inspired by and proud of you, dear friend. Sharing far and wide...love and hugs, mar

Reply
Martie link
10/12/2014 07:19:45 pm

My dearest Mar

If we can share the good we are actually supposed to share the bad as well. Otherwise people may get the idea that we are 'out of this world'.

This experience was like a movie in reality. Writing a play or novella - calling it 'fiction' - could perhaps become a goal....

2:15am - and I am about to hit the bed .. :)

Thanks so much for sharing this post.

BTW, was I surprise, receiving notification of this blog being posted almost immediately after I have published it. Weebly deserves a 'bravo'....

Reply
Ruby link
10/13/2014 04:36:25 pm

Martie, when I first met you online, I could sense your untrusting feelings, now I know why. How horrible, this man who could preach the gospel and steal from you. I am so sorry this happened to you, but maybe it gave you a more focused outlook. I am a firm believer in karma. The preacher/con man will get his. Thank you for sharing. Tweeted..Hugs my friend

Reply
Martie link
10/13/2014 06:31:36 pm

Hi my dear Ruby, yes, you were one of my very first friends. Thanks to your support and encouragement I was able to free myself from quite a few shackles that were hampering my growth. Experience is a good thing - a source of knowledge and wisdom. But if we allow it to keep us captive, we cannot grow to our full potential. Then we will forever be like a tree growing in a small pot - just something for the eye to enjoy, instead of bearing fruit and providing shade. You know what I mean :)

Reply
yollasiyol
7/22/2016 03:32:37 pm

i think i'm in trouble. serious trouble and i have no one i can talk to or go to...

Reply
Martie link
7/30/2016 03:02:46 am

Hi yollasiyol, I hope you got yourself out of trouble by now. Acting, instead of talking, is what you should do when you find yourself in trouble. I wish you only peace and joy.

Reply
Eva
7/29/2016 08:43:25 pm

Hi Martie,

how well can I understand you! Had ALMOST the same experience with a narcissistic sociopath I met in one of the groups dedicated to music on Facebook last year.
Incredible story, I am sure yours was the same : the relationship started off from zero to a hundred in a few days, love bombing, marriage proposal on day six, sweet ILY good morning messages, ILY goodnight notes... A 20 years older divorced guy.
And like a fool, I let him do thousands of miles from Canada to Europe to meet a self-confident, manipulative, controlling and disrespectful guy at the airport!
A homeless bankrupt spending his pension as if money grew on trees with zero finances on his arrival.
I guess he was searching for a shelter, good food ( had champagne taste on a beer budget), love, sex and haven at my expenses.
Thanks God, I got rid of him after just nine days and he had to return to Canada ( his son had to buy him a flight ticket from Toronto to Vancouver as he did not have enough for the full fare).
What a ridiculous experience!
I feel emparhy and a lot of sympathy for you, your S cost you more... Stay strong!

Reply
Martie link
7/30/2016 02:42:43 am

Hi Eva, good to know I am not the only 'fool' on this planet. Yes, this is what we are called by people who have never experienced the 'charm' of a con artist. You were lucky, having only 9 days of him. What a crash course! My memories of that quasi-gospel preacher who has given me a crash course in narcissistic sociopath behaviour still provoke anger and disgust. I hope his memories of me are still haunting him. Thanks for sharing your story, Eva. BTW, how did you find this post? I thought it was already lost in cyberspace.

Reply
paula link
5/31/2017 01:20:13 am

Martie....I don't know why I never saw this link the first time I read your hub a few yrs back. This is a frightening experience you relate! Obviously you paid a steep price to learn a hard lesson, my dear friend, I'm so sorry you went through this.
The more I read, the more I realize how thankful that you were not damaged further! Good grief...with someone that unstable, your Guardian Angel was surely protecting you.
We are all susceptible at particular times in our lives and can find that we make decisions that end up costly and less than pleasant. This is how we learn! I'm proud of you for being strong enough to do what you had to do in the end! Love * Hugs, Paula

Reply
Martie link
5/31/2017 11:17:49 pm

Dear Paula, how nice to see you in my corner :) I have published this blog some years after the hub on request of a local magazine. This blog contains the detail I haven't mentioned in the hub. Yes, at certain times of our lives we are soft targets for con-artists. My experience could have been worse. It could have been fatal. But I had to learn this lesson, dear Paula, right at the beginning of my 'life in cyberspace'. It has made me wise and hard enough to ignore strangers with sad stories.

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